


Red Queen and Rats

by HecatesKiss



Series: Between Missions ~ 00Q [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HecatesKiss/pseuds/HecatesKiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vermin is discovered in Q Branch and the Quartermaster deals with it by bringing in an exterminator of the furry kind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Queen and Rats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arel/gifts).



Q looked up with a frown from the tablet he was already perusing when he heard a squeal. He saw one of his minions jumping up and down and relaxed. The squeal had been one of excitement, and not of horror. He stepped around desks and stopped by the young woman’s shoulder.

“Hello Quartermaster.”

“Kendra. Ah… Yes, Bond did actually end up in Medical. Didn’t he.” Q huffed and shook his head. The woman, who was most likely a few years older than, he blinked. He saw her eyes skim over his red cardigan and blue and yellow plaid pants.

“What does 007 having landed in Medical have to do with a flower and a fish on my desk, sir?”

“The Double-ohs send one another flowers when they are landed in Medical. This was 0013’s offering, which how he found out about this, I would be interested to know… he is supposed to be somewhere in Morocco!” Q huffed. He turned and looked around for the tell tale minion hunched over a screen guiding the Double-oh through a mission.

“R is personally shepherding 0013 through the mission, she’s in booth two, sir.” Kendra said, blue eyes curious. Q nodded his thanks.

“You will find a tank-pen holder-feeder for the betta in storage closet two, second shelf. The accoutrements to outfit the tank and food pellets are in the cupboard next to it. Bond always redirects his flowers to our Branch, since he claims we never see the light of day and Moneypenny is certain we are terrified of plants... “ Q merely smiled and the newest member of Q branch looked at him askance for a few seconds.

“That’s rather insulting.”

“I quite agree, however the flowers are cheerful and nearly all of us have a fish.” Q nodded towards Dan’s desk, which was across from Kendra’s. There, on the corner next to the wall was a brilliant blue betta fish swimming in a gallon tank that had a pen holder attached to the side. Q leaned across and plucked out a pen before he dropped it back into the hole. The fish swam up as a pellet was dropped from the top of the tank.

“Do you have one, sir?”

“Enigma is a blue and white betta, he sits on my office desk. Which reminds me, I need to add more pellets to the reservoir.” Q gestured for the newest employee to follow him and he took her to the correct closet while he opened the cupboard that housed the tank decor and the pellets.

Kendra made a blurt of noise as Q jerked his hand abruptly back and a rather large grey shape streaked by him. The rat hit the concrete with a squeal and dashed off. Q pinched the bridge of his nose and then pulled out his bluetooth receiver. 

A few keystrokes on the tablet later, and the voice of Red Queen from _Resident Evil_ was in his ear. “I am confirming no pathogens or other biological hazards had been detected.”

He smiled briefly, they allowed him his quirks. He then pressed a few more keys and heard a faint ringing in one ear. 

“Bond.”

“Would you mind swinging by my flat, boxing up Ubuntu, and bringing him in? A rat just leapt out of the fish cupboard. I would rather this be handled quickly, and not three weeks from now when somebody decides he has _time_.”

“Certainly, Quartermaster. Would rather not have R hyperventilating into a bag again. We shall be in, within ten minutes.”

“Thank you agent. I have everything ready for him from the last time we had to do this.” Q said. He listened to Bond disconnect the call before he rubbed the bridge of his nose again. He grabbed a container of pellets and pocketed them before gesturing to various bits.

The Quartermaster made his way toward the front of his domain and then put his back to his usual table. The soft murmur of voices and the whir of various desk peddlers spinning away filtered through the room along with the hum of computer fans. “Ladies and gentlemen? Might I have your attention for a moment or two?”

Various faces turned towards where he stood, giving him their attention, pausing coding work and low level missions for a few seconds. The peddling didn’t entirely stop either. The only heads that remained bowed would be those actively dealing with a situation classified as threatening or higher.

“We potentially have a rat problem again. It may simply be one, or it might be a minor infestation. Maintenance will be alerted and traps will be set. Do mind your feet and please do your best to remove food every night from open areas.”

“Sir? Will we be employing the same strategy as last time?”

“Bond is bringing in Ubuntu. So do check for the cat before opening various doors. Thank you, Jeff.” Q made a gesture and his people efficiently returned to what they had been doing. Q slipped around his desk and set the tablet aside as he awakened his main system and waved to activate the laser projected keyboard he was testing out. He frowned. The image had been a blue laser when he left it last night. It was now hot pink.

A sticky-note on the projector itself informed him that R had fiddled with the thing so that it would show in low light. He shrugged and began his day, eyes occasionally scanning for movement.

***  
Bond rolled his eyes as the large black tom growled from within it’s green enclosure. The security guard paused and blinked. Bond presented the paperwork that accompanied the feline. He only smiled when the idiot poked a finger through the wire front of the cage and got swiped.

“Ow! Bloody blighter.”

“The Quartermaster wants him, and I would _suggest_ you do not call the man’s cat a blighter… it might impact your credit score.” Bond drawled. The guard swallowed. And then the man’s partner stepped forward with a frown.

“Ubuntu is back? Does this mean Q branch has mice again?”

“One jumped out of a closet at Q. So I was asked to retrieve the cat.” Bond shrugged. The guard groaned but nodded. After a look into the top of the carrier, matching photo of pet to animal in crate, the guard was about ready to let the pet by when M appeared.

“Bond?” The head of MI6 frowned at the bright green carrier sitting on the security desk.

“Sir. Q Branch has a rat problem. The Quartermaster requested the best mouser, which is his own cat.”

“Some weird swahili name?” M muttered, peering in at the feline. The cat chirped at him. M stuck his fingers through the wire and the cat rubbed into his fingers -- obviously M had visited Q at home at some point, and Ubuntu liked him.

Bond waited for M to remove his fingers before he hefted the carrier and continued on his way towards Q branch. The cat grumbled and Bond shook his head.

Most of the minions gave Bond a wide berth as he strode through Q branch, growling case aside. He had noticed the “Be Aware of Working Cat” signs had re-appeared on the doors leading to Q branch. Several of the minions peered at the case but ducked back to their work when Bond glanced over. He set down the case on Q’s table and looked around for the absent Quartermaster.

“So, how much damage do I have to explain?” Q asked from behind Bond. The agent refrained from twitching and turned. The cat yowled and then went silent.

“He clawed a guard, moron stuck his fingers through the mesh. M did the same, didn’t get clawed. Shall we put him to work?” Bond asked, faint smile curving his lips. Q moved around the table and flipped the catches open, popping the front door open.

The large black feline oozed onto the table, all sleek ink black fur and brilliant amber eyes. He rumbled a purr of greeting and butted Q’s fingers before turning in a circle and surveying his new domain. Q clipped a tag to the black collar that had ‘01000011 01000001 01010100’ woven into it in green numerals. He then allowed for the cat to leap from the table and begin stalking up and down the desks.

Bond watched the feline go with faint amusement in his blue eyes. He turned back to the Quartermaster, who had set the case on the floor. 

“You are on scheduled downtime for at least two weeks, 007. You will not be allowed to test out gadgets until Medical says the stitches in your side have healed enough to bear training.” The agent huffed in annoyance. Q suppressed a smirk. 

“Shit! Rat!” Jones yelled suddenly from the other side of the room. His desk mate had been through the original infestation and started calling.

“Here kitty! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!”

Bond and Q both watched the cat dart over to the person calling. They saw the telltale twitch of the tail and then the cat sprang. Q waited for Jones and Marc to both clear the area before he typed in the commands that brought down clear glass walls, forming a box that the rat would not be able to escape from. 

Q then turned away and contacted Maintenance to make certain that rat traps would be put down as soon as possible. He shook his head when Kendra was heard muttering, “Oh, so that’s why the lines are painted into the floor. I just thought it was organizational overkill.”

“Not at all, Kendra this facility is capable of being sectionally sealed off as needed. Right now, I’m just doing it so that the cat doesn’t have to chase the rat across the entire floor. The quicker the rat is dead, the better off we all are.” Q responded with a slight smirk. Bond snorted.

“Not entirely true. If R sees a rat, she will completely… how did you once phrase it, Q? Lose her shit?” Bond mocked.

“I am not to be held responsible if she hears you.” Q retorted, raising an eyebrow as the woman in question appeared.

“Mission complete, 0013 is headed home.” R reported with a small, proud smile. Q nodded once and turned to ask why Bond had remained in Q branch after he had dropped off the cat. He never got a chance.

“Red Queen to D5. New bacterial vector discovered. Quarantine measures now in effect.” The little girl’s voice of the _Resident Evil_ ’s Red Queen rang throughout Q Branch, over the embedded speakers. It had every person freezing.Everyone knew the protocols and remained put. Conversation stopped entirely, peddling also froze. Only the hum of the computers continued. Kendra went pale.

“Angela, identify bacteria.” Q called aloud, lips pursing. He heard the clicks as various locks snicked into place, sealing them in. He also knew that each floor was self contained, so that various _issues_ would not transmit to the entire building… their filters in Q branch were staggering too, because they experimented with tear gas and poisons, and didn’t want _that_ escaping into the upper floors either. He watched Bond raise an eyebrow as the hologram of the girl appeared in the contained area.

“It is a _Yersinia bacterium_. Potential plague outbreak. Medical has been alerted.” 

“Append an alert to Veterinary Sciences as well. Thank you, Angela.” Q sighed.

“All right. Everybody is going to get to decontam shower and get a flea bath. Blame the rat. Wrap all procedures, power down machines and feed the fish. We’ll be out for several hours and we _all_ report to Medical. Showers are to our left, down the hall leading off H2.” Q pointed his employees in the correct direction and then motioned Bond in the same direction. The man only arched an eyebrow.

“I’d rather wait for the cat to kill the rat and then confirm the rat is the carrier.”

“You won’t get out of the shower or the scrubs, Bond, but -- very well.” Q folded his arms and waited until they both heard the chirping call of triumph that Ubuntu gave off Q let himself into the room via the glass doorway with a bio-hazard bag and the carrier. He bagged the dead rat for the vets and chivvied the cat back into the carrier.

Dead rat and live cat went to the Vet’s office contained within MI6 and then Q went to take a shower. He knew the room would be scrubbed, everything from ground to air before any of them would be allowed back into Q branch. 

Hours later, the rat was confirmed carrier of bubonic plague. Q only sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Ubuntu was given shots of the proper antibiotics and would be spending a week with the vets.

Q branch was cleared by his Red Queen and by independent verification before the employees were allowed back the next day. Things returned to normal. Q shook his head again. He knew he worked on a giant chessboard, he’d programmed the floor that way when he saw the space post the disaster that was Skyfall. He hadn’t meant to broadcast it to his techs. They all found it amusing.

The letters and numbers to denote squares on a chessboard appeared on the walls. Q allowed it to stand for a week before he had them quietly removed. He didn’t blink when the opening theme to _Resident Evil_ became his ringtone for every minion in Q Branch. He took it in stride.

***  
Five months later, on the birth date listed on his forms, he opened an Umbrella branded ceramic tea container to replace the Doctor Who T.A.R.D.I.S. one that had been destroyed when a pen had exploded in his office. He thanked his colleagues and set it down in the same place that the T.A.R.D.I.S. container had sat. The next day, Bond arrived with a new loose leaf earl grey from his mission in India … and most of his tech.


End file.
